The Style Invitational Week 972 Trends and Neighbors
By Pat Myers,
A jellyfish is like John Edwards: Even
when it’s washed up and dead in the water, people don’t want to get anywhere
near it.
Howard Stern
Desperate Housewives
Michael Phelps
Yemen
Jellyfish
Robert Pattinson
John Edwards
Same-sex marriage
Bristol Palin
Mark Zuckerberg
iPod
Beethoven
JPMorgan Chase
Game of Thrones
Mother’s Day
Serena Williams
Here’s a type of contest
we’ve done lots of times: Choose any two items on the list above and explain
how they are alike or different. But the twist this week, suggested by Loser
Christopher Lamora, is that the items on the list were all listed as “trending”
or “hot” topics last Sunday on washingtonpost.com, Twitter, Google News, etc.
Given the briefer-than-a-thong half-lives of some trending topics, the Empress
did choose the ones that at least would be recognizable four weeks from now,
when we run the results.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins this fine foot-tall
papier-mache sculpture of a screaming human skeleton riding a surfboard.
Donated by big-deal Washington Post editors and honorary Losers Lynn Medford
and Jeff Leen.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a
lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air
“freshener” (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com
or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May 28; results published June 17
(online June 15). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week
972” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your
real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules
and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Dave Prevar; the alternative headline in the “next week” line is
by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev .
Report from Week 968, in which we asked you for stupidly funny research grant proposals: We
figured that this contest would draw lots of funny observational humor. But
mostly we got unfunny, painfully old observational humor: toilet seat position,
number of items in the express lane, raining after you wash the car. And, as
always, alas, a joke about global warming being caused by politicians’ hot air.
We did, however, find a few imaginative proposals to fund with our shamefully
generous prizes.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Proposal: A study to
determine whether Murphy’s Law is true.
Hypothesis: Although Murphy’s
Law teaches that “if anything can go wrong, it will,” the successful completion
of this study, fraught as it is with potential pitfalls, will expose that “law”
as a fallacy. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
2. Winner of the Rednek Wine
Glass, made from a Mason jar: Proposal: To examine the link between the obesity
epidemic and global warming. Hypothesis: Since the Earth must work harder to
spin with all those overweight people on it, the planet is overheating from all
the exertion. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
3. Ice cream is stored
optimally at minus-25 degrees Celsius, while human body temperature is a far
higher 37 degrees Celsius. Since the body must burn calories to raise the
temperature of the ice cream to body temperature, it stands to reason that
consuming ice cream leads to weight loss. Perhaps such a diet will help combat
our nation’s obesity epidemic. (Luke Currano, Columbia)
4. In light of the difficulty
in shutting down the Fukushima reactors, we seek a Nuclear Regulatory
Commission grant to examine whether the on-off switches on the nation’s nuclear
power plants should be changed to the sound-activated variety, such as The
ClapperTM. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Thesis the rest: honorable mentions
Proposal: A study to
determine the gregariousness of cockroaches. Hypothesis: Since the species
Blattella germanica is well known to emerge from hiding shortly after a home is
visited by dinner guests . . . Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Proposal: A study to
determine the exothermic properties of U.S. currency. Hypothesis: It has been
observed that the application of dollar bills to the thighs of professional
ecdysiasts causes the subjects to shed excess clothing. Further study suggests
that higher-denomination bills accelerate this effect. (Craig Dykstra,
Centreville)
Objective: Measure the safety
benefits of text messaging in high-risk environments. Background: Annual
highway fatalities have dropped by 10,000 during the past five years, while
extensive texting by drivers has increased exponentially. The research team
proposes examining whether similar benefits could be found in hospital
operating rooms and nuclear power plants. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Background: While many
psychologists have studied the effect of money on happiness in the general
population, there has been a lack of research of its effect directly on the
population of scientists. Proposal: . . . (Mark Pearson,
Washington, a First Offender)
Proposal: A study to
determine whether biologists are inadvertently causing species to become
endangered. Hypothesis: Since many species on the endangered list have been
given names such as “Furbish lousewort,” “shiny pigtoe” and “sensitive
joint-vetch,” various plants and animals might be dying out from sheer
embarrassment. (Megan Durham, Reston)
In our team’s preliminary
studies, we have noticed that as ice cream sales increase at seaside resorts,
so do shark attacks. We propose to examine why sharks are so attracted to ice
cream ingested by humans, and determine how to reformulate the product to deter
this effect. (Samuel Enriquez, Annapolis; Gregory Koch, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)
Proposal: An examination of
the correlation between societal success and olfactory level of human waste
products, specifically the accuracy of the belief of individuals with graduate
degrees, professional success, hot girlfriends, etc., that their bodily waste
“don’t stink.” (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)
Hypothesis: Cellphones drain
power from cars on the highway. Evidence: On Interstate 66, where most cars
travel between 60 and 70 mph, a small but significant number of automobiles
travel no faster than 40 mph. Preliminary research has determined that at least
90 percent of their drivers are using cellphones at the time. We also propose
to study how phones’ magnetic waves cause the vehicles to wobble in and out of
a lane. (Carroll Reed, Centreville, a First Offender)
Next week: Colt Following, or Replaying the Ponies